Glitch.

"When we miss someone, often what we really miss is the part of us that with this someone awakens." - Luigina Sgarro

I have sat down and attempted to write down all of my thoughts and feelings that have been running through me for the past few months, only to be left with 18 different versions saved in my drafts folder. There have been so many different emotions that have run through my head, my veins, and have been the mainstay of pumping my heart for... months.

I write, then refrain; write again, delete, start over, pull back...repeat.

Even as I sit here, now...I sit here with every intention of getting my feelings out to breathe a little easier. Then, I pause. I worry about feeding into one's ego, being too vulnerable, giving the wrong impression...giving the right impression...

I want to state that all I'm feeling is very confusing - at least for me. This is my attempt to just focus on and give care to ONE (maybe 2 or 3) thing(s).

I've been told that sometimes writing things out gives it some air and gives myself the opportunity to breathe.

I've been holding in...a lot. I want to give some love, care and attention to the part of me I miss.

Back in November, I met someone who ignited parts of me I thought I had lost. It had been so long since I felt/hoped for as much as I did with her. I used to pass judgment on people when sharing their timeline on how quickly enamored they became with someone until that person became me; I was captivated within weeks.

Things, sadly, didn't work out and I was really hurt in the how & why in addition to other variables I learned of down the line. That said, I couldn't shake the thought of her and would wonder if things were cut off prematurely. I'd flux back and forth between wondering what could have been vs. what she shared and how seemingly clear she was in what she didn't want from me and honoring that.

...sometimes I wonder if we're both out there trying to find each other in others...

As I sit here, months later, one thing I realized was: I missed the parts of me that she was able to bring out. There was this deep romantic & vulnerable side of me that she resuscitated. (That sounded so corny but that is the only way I can earnestly phrase it right now.)

I am kind, thoughtful and sweet; this I know about myself. But this was different. This wasn't to play a game to win a prize. I didn't see her as a prize to be won; she was someone I really wanted to know on a deeper level. I know this to be true because, unlike with others in the past, I didn't have to try or think about it; I was just existing and moving in this way because she and our dynamic were able to bring it out of me - these parts I thought I had lost. It was important yet so natural to me to make sure she felt cared for, seen, heard, safe, and happy. I was okay being consumed by her and thoughts of her. She would exist in my mind, rent-free, almost every second of my day - and I was okay with it & happy about it. I wanted it; I wanted her and I welcomed it.

There was a magic between us. (A part of me hesitated to write that because we didn't work out and maybe it was one-sided given what I know now. But even if it was, it was magic to me.) I had not felt that kind of connection and chemistry with someone in so long. And if you know me, that says a lot. It is so so rare when someone can get me there. The way she existed and moved in the world woke something up in me.

She's traditionally stunning; that's a given. But, she was more than that to me. She was interesting, interested, thoughtful, deliberate, intentional, smart...

Fast forward to today, I continue to honor the boundary she set while taking care of and focusing on myself and wondering how/if we are able to navigate some sort of friendship. I have moments where I daydream about scenarios had things turned out differently. There is still a tug and push in me sometimes. But what keeps me from veering off path is thinking back to the conversation we had that day, the "why," how I felt about that, the things I now know, and honoring her boundary.

I'll close with this:

I still have some internal push & pulls. But, for now, to the one that changed my lens on the sunset: I don't know if you'll ever see this or not. But, in the slight chance you do: I am grateful you came along. You woke up so much in me that I thought was lost - more than I expected and more than you know.

Thank you for that.

In another life...

"This is my heart; dive deep."