Process. Progress. Outcome.

"Most people don't want to be a part of the process, they just want to be a part of the outcome.

But the process is where you figure out who's worth being part of the outcome". - Ken McElroy

I was having a passing conversation, earlier, with a colleague giving my opinion about something and ended the sentence with a cheeky, "but who am I?! lol" She responded with, "the top performing SE (solutions engineer) and leader." It was a really kind sentiment that totally caught me off guard. I say this without ego, (the data objectively shows), I am really good at what I do. I sometimes forget because I'm so focused on the end outcome and I don't need much fanfare. That said, my coworker had no idea what she highlighted for me. It was a subtle reminder to me of who I am and what I'm capable in all avenues in my life.

Lately, I've been crazy focused on my nutrition and health (and by proxy, my physique). It has required a ton of discipline, consciousness and mindfulness. Surprisingly, I've learned that it requires a ton of unpacking too. So many things have happened these past 6 months that required me to self-examine and examine externally.

Process:

One thing that takes up space in forefront are the people that are with me through my process. So many friends, acquaintances and even strangers have been very supportive with their words and actions - some without even knowing or trying. The small subset of friends that really know me have been unwavering. They've held me when my emotional state felt so fucking broken, seen all variations of my physicality, and continue to always uplift and support in ways that most people don't have the privilege of experiencing (which includes calling me out on shit too. Yes-people are rarely good for growth). They have made it so safe to be me in all iterations. I am beyond grateful.

Then there are others that have sent me the gift of weeding themselves out. I'm also equally, if not more, surprised at some people's self-orienting comments and mindset - criticizing the choices I've made because they think they know better. This same individual, in particular, has made other questionable comments and decisions that made it clear that we are not the same. My standards are high in many aspects of my life: work, relationships, and friendships. The more I thought about our history, the more it became clear to me how blinded I was.

Progress:

Mental -

My headspace feels so much better and clearer as I sit here and type this. Due to recent situations and circumstances, I was forced to really dig deep. It was not easy (and I'm not done yet.) However, I am clearer on where I stand with myself, the decisions I make for myself, and what I want (and don't want).

Part of that progress was slowing down and delineating what is mine and what wasn't; what was within my control and what wasn't. I started to really care less about what others think - but not in this egotistical way. It's more in a way where I just focus on myself and the value of my own outlook on myself. People are always going to have some sort of opinion about you. But if you live your life and make decisions that align with who you are and who you want to be, then the right people will see the value and you will always find each other.

Physical -

Holy shit - have I put in WORK. I have a coach (very different from a trainer) and a nutritionist. My coach is amazing, and she is actively preparing for her own bodybuilding competition to debut her pro card (which I'm so excited to fly out for). She has been integral in what I've been able to achieve thus far.

This all started when I gave too much power and put too much worth on my physique alone. As I understood it, it was the thing that broke my little heart. (There could be other variables, but my physique is what’s within my control.)

As I continue on my health journey, I started to dissect a lot of things. I was dealing with heartbreak, confusion, and the hardest part: self-reflection. This was another practice of slowing myself down and really taking inventory of what was going on. While my heart, still fragile, was mending - I realized this was a gift delivered to me. The box might have been damaged and not exactly wrapped up nicely upon delivery, but the gift inside was highlighting what was always looming in the back of my mind. I went from a hyper athlete to the opposite. I wasn't taking care of myself like I used to...and I knew it.

There are many variables to this situation and story. But, I'm choosing to focus on the silver lining: though absolutely brutally painful (in so many ways), I will always come back to: people aren't intentionally hurtful (especially the ones that don't have context). We operate at the capacity of our healing and our knowing.

Though our story has taken a different turn, and though it took me longer than I would have liked, I will always see this situation as a gift and a lesson I didn't know I needed.

What I've come to the conclusion to, the lesson I'm learning (one of many), and another virtue I'm holding onto tightly: I want people to be a part of my journey, my process, and my progress. Those are the ones that truly understand what it took to get to where I am and the meaning & value of my ever-changing outcome - inside and out.

Outcome:

I won't spend too much time here as I earnestly feel it's the least important of my three points at this moment in time.

Heart & head space:

Though I understand that growth and healing are not linear, I'm feeling clearer than I have in a hot minute. I credit this to really taking care of all aspects of myself.

Body:

This progress is getting to the really good phase and I'm getting back to myself. My definition is starting to come back, and I'm having a lot of fun with my nutrition. It's fun to see my body recompose. It's funny, a former friend wanted to criticize my program because, apparently, she knows better. I should have seen the red flags but was too blinded by the care I offered. Surround yourself with people that uplift and support you.

It's fuel when people doubt me. Thanks for the motivation.

The process is who I am.

The progress is how I got there.

The output is what I am.